I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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