Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
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You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
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I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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