Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
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