Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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