if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
