I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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