She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
