thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
