i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
