my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
