I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
