I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
