You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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