Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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