I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
