I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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