The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
