i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
