I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
