I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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