Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
