Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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