Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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