You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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