pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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