Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
