mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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