What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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