FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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