Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
