sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
