By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
