When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
