i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
