The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
