i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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