Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
