I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
