Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize