His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
