More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
