don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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