wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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