I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
