her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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