Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
