why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
