Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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