Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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