she looked like the bat from fern gully.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
