I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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