I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
