Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
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We have so much sex to catch up on
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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