How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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