what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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