I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
