also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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