I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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